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i lose a lot of things, sometimes i end up finding them, but yesterday i lost you and you were there, right in front of me and i couldn’t do anything about it. i think that is the hardest part. although you weren’t planned and i didn’t know where the road would have taken the two of us, you were wanted, not just by me, but my friends and family. you were already so loved yet so unknown. what could you have been? what things would you have accomplished? would you look like the little girl that i dreamt of holding?

i am always sensitive towards people, subjects and places-  yet i am always positive as well. i believe things happen for a reason and people enter and exit your life because that’s just what happens. some come and go without warning, some moments dramatic, but most of these people, places and things- they leave some sort of impact- that impact isn’t what defines you, but it’s what helps you learn to live or to let go, depending on the circumstances. where am i going with this? i don’t know… but try to follow as i put myself out there for anyone to see.

life changing news develops, something happens that you didn’t think would ever be possible- you’re happy, but also confused.

what do you do? well i cried for a few days, apologized and felt bad for everyone, but myself. life is so much easier when you’re the cause and effect- when you’re in control, but now there are third parties involved that don’t realize it. they didn’t plan for this, you didn’t plan for this, but it happened… subconciously, you must have wanted this to happen. it was bound to happen, FINALLY IT HAPPENED?!

it may not have happened as you had dreamt about growing up, but it’s happening. do you run, do you hide, is mission aborted? never. you deal with it like you dreamt of dealing with it. giving it everything- your all. your dreams have turned into a possible dysfunction to others, but that’s your decision and you turn this into one of the most rewarding experiences. you keep it. that is my decision.

third party may want something different, so be it. you give them their option, regardless, be happy with what they decide. they didn’t ask for this to happen, but again.. it happened. hope for the best, maybe they will come around.

all i have ever wanted was unconditional love with someone of my own, we all share unconditional love with others, maybe it’s selfish- but finally this is my chance and it’s growing inside of me.

i am telling you now, i am going to love you for who you are; you will experience life like i did, freely and openly- if you want, but hopefully you will be wiser and you will learn from my mistakes and heart breaks, but know that the lessons you will learn will be that of your own and the outcome is what you make it to be- always strive for the best and expect nothing less.

you were created for a reason, that reason may be “unknown,” but i really believe it was for me. i have thanked god for you every night.

monday, november the 20th- i felt sick, tired, confused.. and just wanted to sleep, more than normal. please don’t get me wrong; i am the girl that goes out, rarely at home, but i love naps, sheets, cuddling, down comforters, pillows, the smell of clean sheets and the feel of satin, cotton, silk- well, anything involving a bed and what is used to make/done in one, i pretty much love it. i went on one of my best dates, ended it and went home- that whole week, all i wanted to do was sleep and felt different… i guess i knew something was coming, i had made little comments here and there all month, but i didn’t realize what was really about to happen.

that whole week i felt sick, didn’t puke, was just tired- wanting to sleep. avoided as many people as possible, unless i was feeling up to it. that’s how i have been acting, which is weird for me, but i knew it was coming.

3 weeks before i asked another guy if he would still talk to me if i was pregnant, joking around.. odd.. i was pregnant when i asked him that, i didn’t even know. kept thinking about one male, how he would be as a father and if he would ever be with me in that kind of setting. maybe that’s crazy, but i think a lot of females think of some men like that at times… right? okay, maybe i am weird?! ha.

the week before i got depressed telling my aunt how i didn’t think i was able to have children since i had tried in the past- like years ago- and was never successful.

on november 29th- i drove to a dollar store, figured it would be negative, like all of the other tests i took before in the past and didn’t want to spend 30 bucks to be shown the usual. i bought a few, just to make sure- walking out i had a awkward smile on my face, didn’t realize this until i got to my car. i got home and ended up peeing on a stick that would tell me what i already knew, but didn’t. one of the most extreme feelings, seeing your life change at the sign of a second red line.